Warranty Card On Purchased Goverment Official [tm}
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With
regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a
lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and
other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it
if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This
information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid
us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine/newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self/allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental
4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
__ Celebrity endorsement.
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.
Thank you for your valuable time.
Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the
best politician that money can buy!